Wednesday, February 24, 2010

"No Going Back" is a big fat lie !

"No Going Back" is a a big fat lie I tell you !!!

They waggle picturesque farmer's markets and stone houses restored to their former glory with a budget of thruppence under the nose of an unsuspecting viewing public, with nary a sodding word about the dead cheetahs with hard to locate vaginas.

If they put my life on that programme I can guarantee that the "expat" immigration would drop to single figures within a week.
There are days when I loathe being married to an antiques restorer/dealer.

Aside from the fact he keeps trying to sneak horrible, dark ugly furniture into the house that takes up half a room yet proffers the same storage capacity as a very small teacup.

Also aside from the fact I have to nag for a year solid before he'll take me to IKEA and then he whinges the whole time there unless I distract him with salmon every five minutes.

This is one of those days.

Any normal person clearing out their dead maiden aunt's house would chuck most of it in a skip.

But, oh no, he has to bring it home, into the house and spend hours prodding everybody into admiring it with him.

Which accounts for the slightly stuffed, real live dead cheetah, reformed as a moth-eaten rug, on my living room floor.

Other wives who have been sick for ten days solid get bunches of flowers.

I get a dead cheetah.

It's just not the same.

Whiskers, who has just discovered his (soon to missed) "marbles", is trying to hump the head.

My son is running around yelling "that isn't the Virginia !!!!" and trying to push him down to the tail end.

Oh yes, come live in Italy and be immersed in culture.



  1. ha ha ha, brilliant post! nothing quite beats a dead cheetah as a gift

  2. Well in that case Heather...when is your birthday ?

    I can find some pretty paper to wrap it in right now (evil cackle)

  3. I think some people are not realistic about living in Italy, and programs like 'No Going Back' don't help. You had me smiling by the end, I really enjoyed this post.

  4. I totally agree with you about the living in Italy part. Not to say it is all bad, but, know! And the cheetah part nearly made me pee my pants laughing!

  5. oh my!!!!!!!! (and many chuckles :))

  6. This is too good, you must be making it up. ;}